Born, Raised, Living - Maine

Well Hello There! Long time, no see!

2011-07-31T16:10:00.002-04:00

So this time it's been it's been almost 2 full years since I last posted. Having started this blog in 2007 and having made about 5 posts in all that time, one would think I would just give up and call it quits, right? I would agree with you!

However here I sit typing up a post and yet again having that warm fuzzy feeling of thinking I might actually enjoy blogging..........if only I'd do it more than once a year (or less.) Not only am I not admitting to defeat but am feeling very determined to make whatever changes I need to make in order to give blogging the time, attention and chance that I'd like! If only real life would stop taking up what seems like all my time! LOL

If I'm totally truthful with myself though I realize that I do have the time to blog. I spend more time than needed sitting on my duff watching tv (and yes, some of it pretty silly tv at that) and sitting either in the basement or outside smoking a cigarette, than I spend actually accomplishing anything! Maybe, just maybe, blogging will help me at least cut back, or eventually quit a nasty habit!

Life in general, being what it is with it's twists, turns, and surprises, never ceases to amaze me! I remember those older posts like I typed them yesterday, yet so much has changed both within and without since then it also seems like another person typed them.

Whenever I actually write (or type) something, whether it be a poem, a journal entry, a personal letter to a friend or family member, or.....a blog post for instance, I learn a little something more about myself...who I currently am, what I currently hold as truth, who I was and what I held as truth at one time. I know I'm a work in progress and I'm fine with that! To move ahead, go beyond, to look with new eyes.......is what I strive daily to achieve - but it's also fascinating to look back, to remember, to see through the eyes of who I was then! Combining the "then me" with the "current me" it's also possible to figure out many things, to have some aswers for the many "why" questions everyone has when looking back on their lives. For example I understand now "why" I made many decisions in my past - decisions that when looked back on through the eyes of the "current me" seem pretty stupid....but combining the "then me" with the "current me" I totally get it and understand.

We, just like life itself, are always changing, and forever flowing forward. We are given many life experiences, many choices, and many people to help us and for us to help along the way - combine all those experiences, choices, and influences and there's the creation of who we each are as individuals - we are all so different, yet the same - created by the same creator - each of us a unique and individual expression of LIFE. I look so forward to sharing my unique life with you! If I'm meant to impact your life in any way, and you mine, our common creator, will see to it that we have that opportunity! So please, if you stumble upon my little blog and would like to leave a note, suggestion, comment, link, etc. please do so! Let's impact each others lives! Yeee Haaaa! :0)

Cake Time

2009-08-30T21:32:00.005-04:00

I just made the most yummy cake....chocolate fudge cake with vanilla frosting. Mmmm Mmmmm. Home made? Not! However, from the box cake is pretty darn good. LOL

When I first quit my job back in May I went through a phase of baking like a mad woman.
I know it was all about:
A. Having something to do
B. Feeling like I was doing something useful in an attempt to stave off the guilt I felt about
quitting.
C. The cravings a woman has when she is feeling guilty, anxious, or worried, etc. (I know some of you lucky women have no appetites when you're feeling those things, stress makes you thin....the rest of us want nothing more than to pig out on pastries, chocolate, and deep fried....anything!)
No matter the reasons though, the results were lots and lots of cakes, cookies, pies, and new and different desserts.....a couple times a week for at least 2 months. Can you say "Pack on the pounds?" Now, let me lay at least a little of the blame onto my husband, who....was all for my baking all the goodies and then enjoying ONE or TWO cookies, cupcakes, etc....you tell me who that left to eat all the rest? Yes, he definitely is to blame....at least a little! :0)

Anyway, the point is, even I decided a break was needed from baking and sweets, and so it has been a couple of months since the sweet frenzy ended, but today I broke the sweet fast! I made that cake! Oh, what an ugly cake it is too! Bob wanted me to frost it too soon, the cake was still too warm and you know what that means.......cake lifting back into the frosting, then the frosting not spreading well, and well......it looks like a 2nd grader attempted her first cake. Brenda (friend who boarders with us) and I laughed and laughed at that cake and just thinking about it still hours later makes me chuckle. I'm so glad that food doesn't always taste like it looks because as ugly as it is, is as good as it tastes! I've had 1 piece (+ a few extra bites) Bob had a piece and Brenda had a piece........so there's still over half the cake out there! I'm determined to pack up a BIG piece tonight and sneak it into Bob's lunch bucket. I'll find a way to make him eat enough of that cake so that it won't mean another 3 lbs. in a week for me, one way or the other!

I mean come on now.....men lose weight twice as fast and twice as easy as women. So, it' only fair that he help me eat only half a cake instead of 3/4's of one right? He was pretty excited about my making the cake, let me tell ya, so he ought to be at least that excited about eating it as well.
There, now I feel better about making and eating cake.......since I've now justified to myself who's fault it really is! LOL

Seriously though folks, I also feel I earned that cake! After the week I have had, and feeling as though I've just been dug out of a deep dark hole, cake was just what I needed. I mean cake symbolizes celebration, right? Why else do we eat cake at birthday parties? Ok, I hear ya, I'm stretching it now. hehehe

Run down of the day......slept in, got up around 9 and was groggy and a bit sore. Moved a lot of heavy stuff around in the cooler at the store yesterday and am feeling it in my right shoulder, neck and arm. It's a good ache though, means I've been busy! I then sat around trying to decide if I was going to go to the nursing home (where I used to work) and help a friend (who is a resident there) to get set up on Facebook and with email, or not. It was a tough decision. On the one hand I really wanted to help her, she and I became fast friends during the time I worked there and I knew it would mean a lot to both of us if I went. On the other hand, it still hurts to go there because I miss everyone so much that being there makes me want to kick myself in the behind for having quit. So many of the staff give me hugs and tell me how much I'm missed, which makes me feel good of course, but also very sad. When it's a resident who lights up at seeing me, and tells me how much they miss me, my heart just breaks and I feel like a selfish, prideful jerk, who walked out on those who needed me over a selfish, petty reason...and than I have to go over in my head all the reasons I quit and how long I struggled not to, etc. in order to keep it from getting to me in a big way.

However, since it was a weekend day, and those that I really do not want to see from there, are not there on the weekends, I decided to go. Yep, I'm glad I did. The resident and I spent over 2 hrs. together, and she learned how to deal with email in a much easier way than she was, we got her account with facebook opened, her profile set up, and a few friend request's sent out. It was such a wonderful and rewarding feeling to hook her up to the world at her fingertips. I think it will make a big difference in her life.....allowing her to escape from the half of a room she lives in, filled with restrictions, rules, and no privacy whatsoever.

I saw a lot of staff that I miss and care a lot about, and was told I was just being discussed between a couple of them before I got there.......so nice to still be thought of, and spoken of, 4 months later. There were lots of hugs and smiles and ultimately I'm really glad I went. Truely there is no better picker upper, than helping others, being missed, and seeing those who you miss. My heart tells me that in the future there's a role for me to play there, that someway, somehow, and for some reason, there's a work for me there that is far from complete. Only time will tell if my heart speaks a truth, or if it's only wishful thinking.

When I got home it was close to supper time....a new chicken and vegetable dish......and then.....then....it was..... CAKE TIME!!

Lastly, a quick update on Jenny...our daughter and her health issues mentioned in earlier posts.
We still know nothing! She had her appointment Friday morning...it's too late now and I'm too tired to get into all the details, so will have to surffice to say that she has begun a new medicine for acid reflux, and is feeling better in that sense.....however, we still have no answers when it comes to the swollen, sore side....whether or not it's her pancreas, spleen, or what. More blood was drawn, and whatever steps will be taken from here will not be decided until the results are back and/or until the 18th of next month when she has her next appointment.
For anyone who has prayed for her, who continues to pray for her or will begin to pray for her after reading this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

This old girl needs to close her eyes for tonight.
Rest well!

Feeling Better.....I hate Menopause

2009-08-29T21:28:00.003-04:00

You know what I've learned.....the hard way.....this last week? Well, let me tell ya.....menopause sucks every bit as bad as I ever imagined. I realize that I do have a lot to be stressed out about, (per my last entry of 2 nights ago) but the stress I was feeling all week, and the resulting exhaustion and depression, was just way beyond anything I've experienced before. I mean, I'm usually a pretty up beat, positive, very chatty person....but this past week I couldn't even stand myself, let alone anyone else. I didn't even want to talk.....to anyone.....not face to face, not by phone, not by chat or even email. I wanted to be left alone.......so not like me! Because I've really never felt that way......(well, maybe for moments, or even a day before, but never longer than 1 day and certainly not an entire week!) it actually scared me! I just kept thinking "what is wrong with me, why do I feel like this?" All I could pinpoint was all the things going wrong in our lives right now and I thought I must just might be on my way to a serious depression because of it all, I was thinking "oh, so this what clinical depression feels like, just like the commercials on tv portrays it." It was as if a deep, dark blanket of hopelessness and despair had been thrown over me and tied around my neck and I couldn't untie the knot no matter how I tried.

I knew my monthly visitor was late showing up.........very late......21 days late to be exact and I just assumed it was either just not going to show up at all this month.....or....hopefully, never again. They've been pretty undependable for a long time now...always coming anywhere from 9 to 3 days early, but only late once ever, which was just 2 months ago in June. July's came right to the day it was supposed to and then this month....wham!.....21 days late so I haven't known what to expect....I certainly didn't expect it to make me feel like I'd become a different person, almost over night no less, so I didn't understand that had anything to do with the way I was feeling. Two nights ago, late, my monthly visitor suddenly appeared, and I thought, "oh great, one more thing to deal with." BUT......upon awakening Friday morning, I definitely felt a switch....something just felt different. I was still feeling down, but in a different way. I was still feeling anxious, and freaked out, and all the other stuff I'd been feeling all week, but it was toned down considerably....I just felt lighter somehow, not so heavy and weighed down. Then this morning, the 2nd day of my period, I actually feel so much more like myself that I'm just amazed. Yes, I'm still stressed and worried about the financial situation, but I'm able to put it all into some perspective, to see it for it is..........simply money problems..........not the end of the world and certainly not something worth falling apart over.

I realized this morning....."OH! This isn't clinical depression.........this is menopause!" All those wild stories......what I used to think were wild stories anyway......about the wide mood swings, the depressions, the crying jags, etc....related to menopause, weren't just whiney women making up stories, looking for sympathy, or maybe just being plain old neurotic...but the truth of what menopause can do to a person. I know I've been pre-menapausal for years, and while I've had some pretty rough physical symptoms with it, and yes, some really bad days with it emotionally too,.......it's as if this month, it has changed from PRE-menapause, to FULL on menapause.

While I'm very relieved to realize this epiphany, and to be feeling oh so much better today, I'm also experiencing "anticipatory menapause symptoms"......the thought of "Oh Lord, I hope it doesn't feel like this every month from now on until it's gone!" LOL I mean, I'm laughing about it now, but I'm dead serious at the sametime. I know now that if that "being smothered by a deep dark blanket tied around my throat" feeling comes again, it won't be quite so scarey because I can tell myself "it's just menapause" but I can't tell you how much I dread the possibility of feeling that way EVER again, let alone anytime soon!

My hat's off to all you women out there who have been through this! I envy the fact that it's behind you but am so proud of you for making it through without.....well, just going totally nuts!
Here's to hoping I don't go nuts either!! LOL

Now, just a quick run down of my day......worked from 10 - 8 at The Jct.
Going to work helped even more and I throughly enjoyed the day. The 10 hours didn't feel any longer than a regular 8 hr. work day and I feel like I accomplished a fair amount. When I say "quick rundown" I mean "QUICK" cuz that's pretty much it. LOL

Going to bed tonight with a smile on my face and happy thoughts in my head....looking foward to praying....another thing that was very hard to do all week but I can do with joy tonight.

2009-08-27T19:36:00.002-04:00

Ok, so my last and only entry was 18 months ago....LOL! So much for making those weekly entries I had talked about, huh?

I truly cannot believe how fast time goes by, or how much changes in an individuals life during what feels like fleeting moments but is in actuality.....years!

Yep, many things have changed and I feel as though I struggle to keep up with it all.

Let's see......my husband, Bob, was laid off from his job of 16 years in Oct. 08. We really thought it would be a short-ish lay off....we just weren't getting the jest of how the economy was affecting our lives.......that only happens to other people, right? Well, it turned into a 9 month lay off! Just as we were beginning to really give up on the hope of his being called back......he was called back. That was the first week of July. While it was a bit rough financially, he was able to collect unemployment the entire time and I was working full time, and a friend/co-worker had begun renting a room from us in July of 08, so.....while tight, it was do-able. Then, on May 6th, I up and quit my job! Dumb ass right? I won't bore you with all the reasons or explanations of how it was one of the crappiest, low paying, jobs in the country, but trust me.....I did well to stay there the 22 months I did. I do wish I had whatever quality it is that is needed to survive in such a place so that I would still be working, but on the other hand, I'm also glad I don't possess that quality because I'm sure it's not a high self esteem issue, as that place could suck not only the self esteem from a person, but life itself.

Anyhow, Bob went back to work in July and we began to think we saw a light at the end of the financial tunnel. I picked up some part time work which I really enjoy but is far from reliable and things were looking up. Then last Thursday, a week ago today as a matter of fact, Bob came home and dropped the bomb. In 3 weeks time, he is not only getting laid off......his place of employment is closing it's doors. Done! Yep, still in shock! We have no idea what to expect as there are no jobs to be had.......school? Wonderful idea........how to pay for it?.......LOL

That's all bad enough but the scariest part of life right now is the fact that our youngest daughter, Jenny, has some health issues going on. At first the Dr.'s thought it was her spleen, then maybe her gallbladder or pancreas. She just had an ultrasound yesterday and she has an appointment tomorrow morning.....hopefully the results will be in. She is 20 years old and a Jr. in college, and works at JC Penney......however, no insurance. If you pray, please send up a prayer for her health and that the news we will receive tomorrow will be good and easy to treat/cure.

Also....my dear friend and neighbor of 24 years, found out last month that she has breast cancer, she goes for her 2nd surgery on Tuesday. Please pray for her (Vicki) that they get it all this time and that the radiation will be the last of this journey for her.

As unbelievable as this sounds......another old, dear friend, learned that her husband has cancer, also last month. It was already spread to his brain when found so there is no physical hope of a recovery......the Dr.'s initially gave him 3 months without treatment....with treatment....up to 12 months. Please pray that his time left with his family and loved ones, will be happy times, and not spent in sufferage.

Lastly for all the GOOD news......our only decent vehicle, (we have 2 but trust me, the other is not decent) is acting up in all kinds of ways. So, we maybe not only jobless but also vehicle-less in short order.

While all of this has me quite down in the dumps.....and quite frankly, rather scared,.......I'm trusting and believing that even though I cannot see the good in any of this at the moment....that there is good in all of it. This is all opportunity, not oppression, right? (Can I have a resounding "Right on sista!" please.) Thank you!

I had hoped to get into some deeper thought here tonight.....if for no other reason than to reread it myself, tomorrow, or at some point in the future when I need encouragment....but sadly I must confess I'm a Big Brother addict and it is on....right now!!! I've got my direct tv on pause so I don't miss a second of it. LOL

Blessings and Peace out!

Alright Already! LOL

2008-02-23T22:35:00.002-05:00

I started this blog over a year ago........how fast time flies!! Just now I deleted all the previous entries. Rereading them........well, let's just say, they were long and rambling. LOL Gosh, so much has changed since I typed in those entries! It's amazing how things change and so quickly!

For tonight......after a long time of avoiding looking at anything to do with Emetophobia and Borderline Personality Disorder, I decided to look those topics up and see what kinds of new sites and info there may be on them these days. I was so pleasantly surprised to find quite a few sites that had some very updated info on BPD. (It's of interest to me because my mother suffered from it and I believe there are other family members who have it also). These new sites are of a much more clarifying, and hopeful nature than what was out there 4 or 5 years ago when I last checked.

I also came across a blog of a emetophobe (of interest to me since I'm an emetophobe) which resparked my interest in blogging......hence, here I am, deleting the old stuff from my own blog and starting over new.

I have no idea where I want to go with this blog, but will attempt to be more faithful to it, making additions at least weekly, and see where it goes.